by Ben on September 20, 2010

If this site were a party, this party would suck. There’s no one here, the host (Nat) is off partying at his other, bigger house (Green Shoots) with his cooler friends and he’s left the sad clown he’s hired to entertain the guests in charge. And, perhaps worst of all, there’s nothing to drink.

Honestly, at this point, I feel like I’m enabling Nat. I’m letting him believe everything’s ok here, everyone’s having fun, there’s no need for drinks. So, I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve decided the right thing for me to do now is, for every day Nat ignores us, I’m going to post a picture of my son’s pet lizard. Think of it as a blog hostage maneuver. I’m sorry to have to do it, but, in the long run, everyone will be better off. I just feel like Nat needs to know what state his site is in now and, you know, sometimes things need to get a little worse before they get better. If it doesn’t work, that is, if Nat doesn’t come through with his promised beverages, just might become the next hot Leopard Gecko fan site. So, really, it’s a win-win.

If we had a cat I would use that but we don’t so I’ll use the next best thing –bad cell phone photos of a pet lizard. In my experience, nothing kills a party faster than pulling out pictures of your pets. I’ve got two dogs I could use instead of the lizard, but, frankly, my dogs are pretty photogenic and they sleep in all kinds of hilarious positions. Photos of them will likely draw way more visitors than I had at my blog-writing peak. Ditto for photos of my children who seem to get naked every time I pull the camera out (could become a problem).

You’re probably saying, ‘Ben, just continue doing what you’re doing, the site is going nowhere just fine.’ And you’re right. According to Google Analytics, the site got five visits yesterday. Indeed, the most effective ‘blog hostage’ maneuver I could pull off would probably be to just keep writing.

But the obvious question here is: What were those five people doing on the Noonetime site yesterday? There’s no product yet so we can be pretty sure there was no, ‘huh, I’d like to visit the web site for this tasty beverage’ type of moment. We can also be pretty sure that they weren’t there to re-read an old blog. The re-readability index rating on these blogs has been assessed, by Google Analytics, at -4.8%. I’m not sure what that means but the fact that it’s a negative number strikes me as bad. So, what were those five people doing here?

There’s a website called Perhaps they meant to go there.

Or perhaps a few of the daily visitors to the Noontime Rotary of Ellsworth, Maine web page got lost last Tuesday.

Or, just the other day, in an unrelated search, I happened upon a web video called “Girl with Huge Naturals Running on a Treadmill.” Maybe they were looking for that.

Here’s an idea. If you five people happen to be back reading this (because you loved yesterday’s visit so much), step forward and identify yourself. We’ll honor you with our “Noonetime Customer of the Month” virtual plaque and Nat will personally send you a coupon for a free Noonetime Naturals True Fruit Soda (see details, void where prohibited (stores)). Please, Nat needs to know who his five fans are.

So, enough of that, let’s get this party started…

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Amelia September 21, 2010 at 10:09 am

I think I was one of those 5 visitors. Back to back visits to the Noonetime site. Pathetic.

2 Ben September 21, 2010 at 10:43 am

That really is pathetic, Amelia. I don’t know you well enough to know what’s missing in your life but if by any chance it’s a fake coupon for a non-existent fruit beverage, you’ve got one coming! Thanks for coming out.

3 KSB September 21, 2010 at 1:44 pm

Your gecko is a lot yellower than Liz. We tried to get a male for her a few weeks ago but the pet store said 50% of the time the males maul the females during mating. Will, in tears, said he didn’t want to risk it. Is your gecko male or female? If I post your post on my FB, will Google analytics tell you if hits came from there?

4 Ben September 21, 2010 at 2:28 pm

50% isn’t so bad. You might want to get Liz’s vote on the matter. She might be at a point in her life where she’s willing to take those odds.
I don’t think Google will tell me where exactly the hits came from. Seems like it should.

5 Chuck M September 21, 2010 at 5:17 pm

How about 2 visits in one day? (Just so Nat knows how many fans he REALLY has out here?)

6 Amelia September 22, 2010 at 10:35 am

Tell Nat he has to come to Boston to deliver it in person.

7 Chris Ziener October 5, 2010 at 11:16 am

Visiting the site to get the physical address but that info isn’t available. What kind of organization is Nat running? Ben, tell Nat to tell me to tell Mark that he owes me a shirt. For the record, I’ve seen your kids … the gecko is cuter.

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