If this site were a party, this party would suck. There’s no one here, the host (Nat) is off partying at his other, bigger house (Green Shoots) with his cooler friends and he’s left the sad clown he’s hired to entertain the guests in charge. And, perhaps worst of all, there’s nothing to drink.
Honestly, at this point, I feel like I’m enabling Nat. I’m letting him believe everything’s ok here, everyone’s having fun, there’s no need for drinks. So, I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve decided the right thing for me to do now is, for every day Nat ignores us, I’m going to post a picture of my son’s pet lizard. Think of it as a blog hostage maneuver. I’m sorry to have to do it, but, in the long run, everyone will be better off. I just feel like Nat needs to know what state his site is in now and, you know, sometimes things need to get a little worse before they get better. If it doesn’t work, that is, if Nat doesn’t come through with his promised beverages, Noonetime.com just might become the next hot Leopard Gecko fan site. So, really, it’s a win-win.
If we had a cat I would use that but we don’t so I’ll use the next best thing –bad cell phone photos of a pet lizard. In my experience, nothing kills a party faster than pulling out pictures of your pets. I’ve got two dogs I could use instead of the lizard, but, frankly, my dogs are pretty photogenic and they sleep in all kinds of hilarious positions. Photos of them will likely draw way more visitors than I had at my blog-writing peak. Ditto for photos of my children who seem to get naked every time I pull the camera out (could become a problem).
You’re probably saying, ‘Ben, just continue doing what you’re doing, the site is going nowhere just fine.’ And you’re right. According to Google Analytics, the site got five visits yesterday. Indeed, the most effective ‘blog hostage’ maneuver I could pull off would probably be to just keep writing.
But the obvious question here is: What were those five people doing on the Noonetime site yesterday? There’s no product yet so we can be pretty sure there was no, ‘huh, I’d like to visit the web site for this tasty beverage’ type of moment. We can also be pretty sure that they weren’t there to re-read an old blog. The re-readability index rating on these blogs has been assessed, by Google Analytics, at -4.8%. I’m not sure what that means but the fact that it’s a negative number strikes me as bad. So, what were those five people doing here?
There’s a website called balloontime.com. Perhaps they meant to go there.
Or perhaps a few of the daily visitors to the Noontime Rotary of Ellsworth, Maine web page got lost last Tuesday.
Or, just the other day, in an unrelated search, I happened upon a web video called “Girl with Huge Naturals Running on a Treadmill.” Maybe they were looking for that.
Here’s an idea. If you five people happen to be back reading this (because you loved yesterday’s visit so much), step forward and identify yourself. We’ll honor you with our “Noonetime Customer of the Month” virtual plaque and Nat will personally send you a coupon for a free Noonetime Naturals True Fruit Soda (see details, void where prohibited (stores)). Please, Nat needs to know who his five fans are.
So, enough of that, let’s get this party started…